Down
by HawthorneKitty
Summary: A look inside of Narcissa Malfoy's head as she faces her past and her husband in one last goodbye.


_The drops of rain they fall all over_

20 years. She had devoted herself to him for 20 years. Both the longest and the shortest years of her life. She mentally made a vow. She would not make the same mistake twice. If she ever got a second chance, she decided she would cherish each moment like it was golden. She would breathe deeper and live slower. 'Yes,' she thought 'Next time around...' Even in her head, it seemed a desperate thought. She remained poised at the base of their stairs, her thin body maqnaging to appear unnaturally steady. She was an amazing actress. An outsider would think "Oh, what a strong and confident looking woman."

'God, Narcissa, you've really let yourself go.' she thought staring at her white knuckles clutched around her dragon hide purse. She had become accustomed to filling her spare time with personal scoldings. A perk to her marriage. She was snapped out of her thoughts when she heard a door shut. Looking up quickly she saw him.

_This awkward silence makes me crazy_

He looked almost happy. Narcissa's stomach lurched as she pressed her thin lips together tighter. To her, he seemed to be moving unnaturally slow. She supposed she had simply gotten what she wished for when she had said "live slower." She had a bottle of sleeping pills in her purse. She was no longer afraid of death, having lingered on it's edge for years. He was looking down on her as he glided down the stairs. 'What else is new...' she mentally snorted. Drawing in a deep breathe, Narcissa held her head high. She had come to far to dissappoint him now.

_The glow inside burns light upon her_

He had caught her once. Sitting on the edge of the tub with a razor, cutting designs into her thigh. She had always cut when she was alone, it had become a ritual. When he had found her doing it, he seemed indifferent. He had walked forward and taken the razor from her shaking hand. Narcissa remembered looking up at him with tears welling in her eyes. He had tossed the razor onto the sink and crouched down beside her. Reaching over, he had pressed his finger into a fresh cut, crimson blood leaking onto his finger. It hurt. Narcissa knew he knew it hurt. He had then lifted his bloodied finger up to Narcissa's lips and pressed it into her mouth, making her taste the coppery liquid. Narcissa had waited until he left the room to move onto her hands and knees and become sick in the toilet.

_I'll try to kiss you if you let me_

_This can't be the end..._

Narcissa now looked at the same man who had caused her so much pain over the years and felt a wave of emptiness wash over her. He had taken her away from anything and everything she could have held onto and offered her himself in their place. She had taken him, young and in love, and in doing so, left behind her life. Now she was the one being left behind. Without him, she had nothing. A large house. A full bank account. A distant son. These were not the things she had strived for. Sometimes she wanted to go back, if just for a day, to when her son was a toddler. His smile had melted her heart and with her marriage blind to it's future conflicts, she had never been happier. Now her blue eyed boy was off, working with the Dark Lord and becoming just what she feared most. His father.

_Tidal waves they rip right through me_

_Tears from eyes worn cold and sad_

_Pick me up now_

_I need you so bad_

He was standing in front of her now. His presense was so overpowering. Narcissa felt like she was staring at the only thing she had to hld onto right before it slipped away. She knew anyone else would see his leaving as a blessing. To her, it was the end. Narcissa could imagine their room now. Exactly as it was before, except for the loss of a wardrobe of male clothes and a few pictures of their son. She knew he wouldn't take any pictures of her with him. Why should he? She was now an "elderly woman." The thought made a fire ignite in her stomach and she jerked her head upward slightly. She knew she was a better lover than any 24 year old ever could be. 'Then why is he leaving me?' she thought, inwardly shuddering as her face remained indifferent.

_Down down down down_

_Down down down down_

_Down down down down_

_Down down down down_

_It gets me so_

"Narcissa..." His voice was so condesending. She couldn't control herself. With a single echoing gasp of a sob she smacked him hard across the face. She remembered every violent arguement, every broken dish, every tear their son, her son, had cried over their screams. All of Narcissa's anger was bottled into a single man... along with all of her love. She wished he could see through the faric of her purse. See her suicide note and the bottle of pills. She wanted him to see them and feel something, feel anything. 'No,' she thought 'I am not afraid of death...' She was only afraid of him.

_Your vows of slience fall all over_

After smacking him she wasn't as suprised as anyone else would have been when he grabbed and twisted her wrist in the familiar way. But he did not raise his fist. Instead he pulled her close and let her catch the scent of his cologne before he crushed his lips to hers. She did not fight him. She could not fight him. She had stopped fighting years ago. Instead she hated him. The tragic thing was, she loved him at the same time. She melted into his arms like she would have years ago, back when she still believed in that they would make it work. She never wanted him to pull back, but at the same time her stomach was churning. He pulled back with a satisfied look on his face. She wished he would have just struck her.

_The look in your eyes makes me crazy_

"Take care of yourself Sissy." he whispered. 'Sissy.' The petname had once made her heart feel warm and cared for. Now he mocked her with it. Had she been a 24 year old woman she probably would have crumbled at his feet and sobbed. She refused. She had lasted too long to break down now. If he had taught her anything, it was that weakness was not acceptable. And for that, and that only, she thanked him.

_I feel the darkness break upon her_

"Your going to miss your train." She didn't look at him, but more so through him. Flashes of lovemaking and tender embraces flashed through her head. She absent mindedly wondered if her knees would give out soon. He seemed to take the hint. He gave her a look that was all she had to show for her 20 years. It was a look that accepted her misery as a part of his own. It was a look that meant she had something with him that no one else did. It lasted only second before a formal nod ended it. It was the last time she would ever see him with that look again.

_I'll take you over if you let me_

_You did this..._

He walked away from her that day and left her standing in her entrance hall, an elegant elderly woman with a delicate face and empty eyes. Some people think there is nothing more beautiful than an older expirenced woman. Yet at that moment, Narcissa felt anything but beautiful. She had heard the click of the door as he closed it behind him and like clockwork the tears had started falling. They would never stop falling.

_Tidal waves they rip right through me_

_Tears from eyes worn cold and sad_

_Pick me up now_

_I need you so bad_

_Down down down down_

_Down down down down_

_Down down down down_

_Down down down down_

_It gets me so _

_Down down down down_

_Down down down down_

_Down down down down_

_Down down down down_


End file.
